dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
