i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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