I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
