I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
