i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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