New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Randomize
