My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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