This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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