I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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