roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
