Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
