She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
