Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
