The maid of honor just puked.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
