is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i love accidental penises.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
