She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
