Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize