i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
