Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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