Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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