I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
