I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
