I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
