I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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