we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
