i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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