Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
