"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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