and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
