He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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