Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize