An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
