I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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