i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
