today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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