Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
