I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
