I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
