I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
