I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We were destined to go to rehab together
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
