I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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