you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
