my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
