worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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