the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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