Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
