I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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