first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
