You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
