What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Randomize
