he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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