New low: just hacked my moms facebook
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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