dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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