guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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