Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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