my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Randomize
